I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
