We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
