i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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