i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
