Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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