i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
