my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
