The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
