I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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