dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
