Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
