after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
