i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
