found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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