Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Randomize
