So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
