idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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