I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
