WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
