just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
