I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
