Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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