and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
