i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
