if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
