i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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