i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
