Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize