What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
