her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
smell my finger.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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