sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
