mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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