On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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