good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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