Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
