Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
