the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
