omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
