i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
