my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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