Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
