I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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