I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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