u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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