The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize