no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
