I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
