Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
