He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
