That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
