I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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