Jerry, you need to find god
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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