I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This is my gift to your gina
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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