HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
