I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
