Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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