Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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