direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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