Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
