you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Mom said you looked used
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
