she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
