I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
